Hat Disavows Its Wearer

February 19, 2012

Yesterday a large white cowboy hat wearing a presidential candidate apologized in a hastily called press conference for the comments of its accessory, Rick (Man-On-Dog) Santorum.

“No self-respecting ten gallon hat can let such devisive and ignorant remarks pass without rebuke no matter how empty the head it contains is,” said the angry Stetson. “White cowboy hats have long been respected in American mythology as symbolizing truth, justice and the American way,” the miffed hat with Texas rolled brim continued.

“Tom Mix, a cowboy film hero of the early 20th century, wore a white ten gallon hat (my own grandfather, in fact) —and Rick Santorum is no Tom Mix,” complained the jumbo hat.

“And Hopalong Cassidy, another good-guy of the same era (who also sported a white hat), would have had little use for the likes of Santorum. Hoppy might even have called the ex-senator of Pennsylvania to a shootout for presuming to place a hat of such stature upon his virtually vacant scripture-littered skull.”

“If Rick Santorum want’s to spread lies and introduce archaic fables into the primitive brains of Americans,” scoffed the hat, turning it’s brim in a feltish sneer, “let him wear an appropriate lid. A black hat would be more suitable for a troublemaker like him.

“A black chapeau would be the reasonable and obvious choice of head-covering for a man with Rick Santorum’s character,” the hat added before cutting off questioning with a tip of itself to the press corp.

Jim Culleny, 2/19/12


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