Yes, we do need a Jesus candidate…
January 6, 2012
Rick Santorum, sexually obsessed moral arbiter of the nation, says that Americans need a Jesus candidate. Stangely enough, I agree with him. Rather than a Republican such as Rick, America needs a bead-rock socialist like Jesus.
For instance, regarding fundamental happiness it’s written in the New Testament that Jesus replied to a man who asked how he might get to heaven:
“One thing you lack, Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
Try telling that to Eric Cantor or Randian, Paul Ryan. The mere mention of wealth re-distribution has them pounding tables in country clubs.
When the rich guy walked off disappointed jingling the gold in his purse, Jesus observed, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!” —the rich …or a corporate person.
This was obviously an idea so off the wall to many following him (so off the wall it would be close to impossible for Speaker of the House,John Boehner, to grasp) that the Lord was moved to continue,
“Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
Which, to all Republican presidential candidates, is a very class-warfare-sounding declaration that’s like something you might expect from congress’ lone socialist, Bernie Sanders.
But such stuff was typical of Jesus, who definelty was not a corporate person. The left-leaning Nazarene railed against the policies of Republicans of his day, the ruling elite. He warned them:
“Depart from me you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.”
And notice how brazenly socialistic Jesus was. According to the right’s own holy writ their lord went around using the term “gave” almost as if he thought the poor were owed an entitlement; as if the rich were somehow responsible to take care of those they’d left in the dust.
The sheer embarrassment of it; here’s Jesus, Michelle Bachmann’s professed Lord and mentor, sounding like a socialist. This is clearly not Donald Trump speaking, nor Ron Paul (who suggested during an early debate that a sick guy without health insurance should just be left to die —to the cheers of his GOP audience, incidentally). If Jesus had lived to a ripe old age, what then? If he’d not been murdered at such a young age by the same social class that Republicans now represent with such fury what other scandals would the gospels be dishing —the legalization of same sex marriage? Jesus clearly had to go.
But how can their Jesus be reconciled with their politics? No problem. As we’ve come to realize over the past 10 years or so, Republicans are the greatest, most effective, liars and hypocrites the world has ever known. They’ve learned from centuries of tutelege at the feet of masters how to deflect or spin a lie so that it comes out sounding like gospel. It might even have been a 1st century Rick Santorum who replied to Jesus’ admonition —one of those who, dumfounded and offended, whined:
“Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
But Jesus, being no Democrat wuss shot back matter-of-factly, “I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.”
Shocking— the lord of not just Koch Industries, but of the entire universe, equating himself with the least among us —a hard pill to swallow for the Party of No-To-You-Yes-To-Me!
by Jim Culleny